The Descent Into Middle Age

Spain were "pedestrian, inevitable and increasingly bloated in the middle," not at all dissimilar to  the current pathology of the American baby boomer.


Sometimes a win just isn't good enough. If you are the best in the world, you're supposed to do it with Liberace's flair and the jaw-dropping brilliance of Bobby Fisher - you're supposed to do it, well, like Germany. 

You mean you didn't enjoy the build up?

No longer rosy cheeked wonders riding a wave of exquisite passing and fine finishing, the Seleccion have lost their cutting edge, firmly in middle age and nearing over the hill status by the minute (or, so they are in the minds of their critics). 


Alas, David Villa is out and Fernando Torres no longer provides the attacking edge necessary to bring Spain's tiki-taka to its efficacious end. Villa's absence in particular has largely been overlooked this tournament, but it is in my mind the most auspicious. The leading scorer in Espana's 2008 Euro campaign, Villa's exploitation of the opposition's defensive weaknesses has not been unmatched by any of the no. 9's (real, false or otherwise) employed by del Bosque in this campaign. 

C'mon, Aragaones never had to deal with this ish back in the day.

The victory over France was banal to be sure, but they were playing to their personnel. To press for a second goal (even whilst retaining possession) requires a real attacking presence, which, unfortunately for the neutral spectator, is not something Spain have on offer now. 


Still best in the world (until someone else can prove otherwise on the pitch), they are just not as good as they were in 2008 or 2010. That is what is at the heart of the criticism of the current Spanish side, but, then again, no one said getting old was easy.

A Little Somethin' Somethin' to Tide You Over

How could you not?

If, like me, you found yourself experiencing painful withdrawal symptoms on this, the first rest day of the tourney, fear not, for I have aggregated some of the most important footballing news to help fill the Schweinsteiger shaped hole in your life...or at least tide you over until Czech Republic v. Portugal tomorrow.

• Pack your bag kids, Didier's going to China!  In non-Euro 2012 news, Drogba's services will now be employed by Shanghai Shenhuha, along with ex-Blue Nicolas Anelka.  In a statement, Drogba said that he hopes "to help promote Chinese football around the world and further improve the links between China and Africa."  Beyond that, $315k a week goes a long way in increasing the attractiveness of a Shanghai swan song.  Forget America, China is football's new great frontier; let's just hope that he has a better ROI than the much vaunted, though ultimately disappointing, Beckham effect.  On a related note, can you really think of a better  way to go out?

• Sepp Blatter is in favor of goal-line technology.  Michel Platini is not.  And who was supposed to be the relic here? Perhaps Monsieur Paltini will now entertain the idea of transparent goal frames - at least that way, the fifth official wouldn't have the excuse of the post being in the way.  

• Steven Gerrard has confirmed that England won't underestimate their Italian opposition.  Whew, color me relieved.  I would have been otherwise convinced that Roy's Boys may have not fully appreciated the challenge the four-time world champions may present come Sunday.  Really, I didn't know you to be so magnanimous, Stevie.  I'm glad to see your recent spate of top form at the Kop and the soaring fortunes of your club side haven't caused you to lose perspective and pity those less successful.  Oh, wait, nevermind...

• Claiming their position at the opposite end of the locker room unity/self-belief camp are the other qualifiers from Group D.  I obviously spoke too soon when it came to Le Bleus (thank you, Mr. Malouda).  It wasn't a full on mutiny for sure, but it could definitely be classified as a more than minor disturbance.  And while France's failure on Tuesday was the result of a complete team breakdown, Paul Doyle's apt assessment of the contributions, or lack thereof, of Man City darling Samir Nasri is quite on point for the whole lot. From Doyle:

"You will recall that after Samir Nasri scored against England earlier in the tournament, he made a 'shut up' gesture to the hackery that had been critical of his previous performances.  So the question that must be asked in the wake of his diabolical display last night is: what would be an appropriate 'OK, you can criticise me again' gesture? Should he have removed his shirt and painted a bulls eye on his chest as he was substituted?  Slapped himself around the chops?  Bent over?"

Spoke Gestured too soon?

I'll leave it to you to determine the merits of Doyle's various proposals, though, I would recommend Samir invest in some padded panties just in case. Hell, it may be worthwhile to buy in bulk at this point.

The Trouble with Tiki-Taka

It’s true: you can have too much of a good thing.  

Beautiful and intricate passing ad nauseam can give way to complacency and a lack of forward thinking, lulling sides into a false sense of security, as they knock it around the midfield, and often having them pay the price for their profligacy. 

Spain succumbed to the very real perils of tiki-taka against Croatia.  They were “a parody of themselves” in the words of Rob Smyth, holding possession for the vast majority of the game but creating very few quality chances from it.  So long as they held the ball, you got the sense that they were able to trick themselves into believing that they had complete control of the game.  It was, in fact, an apocryphal control. 

Del Bosque's men left themselves to be exposed on the counter throughout the match, just as they were on the back of Luka Modric’s exceptional cross to Ivan Rakitic (resulting in a sublime Casillas save).  The uncomfortable reality was that the reigning European and World Champions were still in by only the thinnest of margins.  And the more they passed, the more their forward movement stagnated and their shape narrowed; the play largely confined to a small swath of the pitch around the half-way line as La Roja pondered their next short pass.

Gotta keep possession.

What can be done to remedy their wanton ways?  Well, for starters, Arbeloa and Silva need to make way for Cesc and Navas, which would then allow Iniesta to play in his Barca role instead of being stranded wastefully on the wing.  Arbeloa is by some measure the worst player on the Spanish side, and Silva has been ineffectual throughout.  And then there is El Nino, for whom a suspect Irish defense is apparently the only opposition against which he can prove effective.  


Seriously, Fernando Llorente must be wondering what he has to do to get a whiff of the pitch at this point.  And, while Torres is certainly not good enough to produce on his own, if del Bosque insists on giving him another run out, at least he would benefit from the complementary wing play of Navas and an opportunity to play off of a false no. 9 like Fabregas this time around. 

The French brand of tiki-taka certainly didn’t rival the Spanish form in technical accomplishment (there were far to many touches in between passes), but it was even more crippling.  Against the already elimintated Swedes, Lorent Blanc’s side lost the plot even while enjoying possession for large swathes of the first forty-five.  Their build-up was painfully protracted and lethargic.  Yes, their defense was (is) shambolic (how Mexes ever got to this level is far beyond my scope of comprehension) but had they been able to seize the opportunities their possession presented, the scoreline may have allowed them to withstand Zlatan Ibrahimovic's brilliant strike with some composure intact.

The result of a somewhat more direct approach.

Moderation is the key.  There needs to be a balance between a direct line to the goal and meandering possession without a real end.  

Whether Spain or France will heed these lessons remains to be seen.  If nothing else, it will be difficult for either side to dominate possession in the manner they've been able to do so heretofore, given the tactics of the other, and that may very well be a good thing.  

P.S. For those still unsure of what constitutes good tiki-taka, here's a little how-to courtesy of Barca.  Phil Jackson was right: it is all about the triangles. 

Total Football (Failure)

Hours can be passed trying to diagnose all the causes of the recent Dutch debacle.  The magnitude of De Oranje’s ineptitude on and off the pitch provided a plethora of material for the footie pundits and arm-chair analysts.  In the face of any kind of adversity or pressure, Bert van Marwijk’s men recoiled in a manner more akin to a third grader with crippling stage fright than a team of (purported) seasoned pros.  Their utter and complete lack of any sort of cohesion or coordination strangely reminiscent of the Germany’s mishandling of the Eurozone sovereign debt crisis, and the culmination of all of this being, of course, Holland’s worst ever tournament showing. 

That about sums it up.

The side has hit such a bottom that the post transvestite sucker-punching Danny Bonaduce is still looking down on them. 

It can no longer be denied: now is the time for KNVB to get help. 

Perhaps the only good news for Dutch fans is that the history of football shows us that this feat is not beyond the scope.  It was only just over a decade ago that Germany experienced their worst tournament showing since the 1938 World Cup, exiting the 2000 Euros in the most inglorious of fashions.  A mere eight years later they were competing in the European Championship final in Vienna and another four years on from that they are considered the class of this tourney (along with Spain) and have high hopes for World Cup 2014. 

Before Germany it was France,* whose reconstruction was necessitated by an inability to even qualify 1994 World Cup.  Four years on, they were world champions.  And on whom did the French model their rehabilitation?

The Netherlands, of course.  They are the very originators of football reinvention, who pioneered a youth system that produced a side capable of winning Euro 1988, reversing a draught that saw them fail to qualify for the previous iteration of that competition (as well as the two prior World Cups).

That's more like it.

Let’s just hope that this turnaround follows the trajectory of the Robert Downey Jr. rather than the Lindsay Lohan variety.

I’m in the optimistic camp.  Euro 2020 field, you’ve been warned.   

*Actually, it is now France again after their South African abomination.  And look how far they’ve come: leading Group D going into the final round of group matches and no mutinies of which to speak.  Time really does heal all wounds. 

First, Do No Harm

Are you sure you can't compress just a bit more at the back?

That doesn't necessarily mean you do any good either, just basically avoid shooting yourself in the foot.  Some metric of success.

Never have the media been so quick to claim a moral victory for the Three Lions.  Apparently, one good set play and 20% possession now qualifies as a “solid” and “disciplined” performance, rather than an abject failure of football as it would otherwise generally be classified.

Last I heard, however, mediocrity was never that much of a rallying cry, and, despite my many protestations against English exceptionalism in international football, it saddens me to think that this is the level to which they have been reduced.   

Understanding that a number of Hodgson’s first choices were out of contention, Roy’s Boys looked bereft of any forward thinking ideas for the entirety of the game, with France holding possession for large swathes of each half (kudos to Samir Nasri and Frank Ribery for stand out performances on the night).  

England was bland and cynical – their play making a mockery of the beautiful game appellation.  Yes, you have to play to your personnel, but you should either a) find a formation that does not involve “parking three buses in front of the goal” (couldn’t have described it better myself, Herr Ballack) or b) find better players. 

If this is really the best England has to offer, then they have much bigger problems than Wayne Rooney missing a game or two, because, at its most basic, this performance shows that they don’t have the technical abilities necessary to compete on the highest level (somehow this, even while being ranked 6^th in the world, thank you FIFA rankings for once again proving your utter uselessness).  And, even when Rooney does return against Ukraine, he will need quality service to do anything productive (contrary to popularly held belief of the English press, Rooney is more Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital than FDR’s New Deal).  Put simply, he’s not one to create opportunities for others.

Talking up your opponent to make your own ineptitude seem redeemable is almost as pitiful as the actual play was on the pitch.  France is no longer a Goliath.  A 1-1 draw against Spain, Germany or another one of their ilk, may have justified the quick claims of a moral victory (here’s looking at you, Italy).  But no one on this side of the English Channel is pushing the line that France is a true force in world football these days, no matter what recent qualifiers may suggest.   This isn’t Zidane, Thuram and Henry of the ’98 vintage.   It’s also worth remembering that this is the last memorable impression the French left in a major tournament, not that. 

From what I’ve gathered, the hope is that going forward England will be able to best a middle of the pack Swedish side and a Ukrainian team who cannot shoot or tackle as per their own coach.  If that’s your strategy, fine.  Just don’t go around claiming that you somehow still belong amongst football’s world powers.  A desire to play down to your opponents has never been the mark of a great team, and it never will be. 

Fun fact: Both goals in this game came from current Man City players.  Previous tally for the Blues at the Euros: 0. And who says money can’t buy you class?

Henry's Handball Heresy

If you haven't been living under a rock lately, you've come to know at least two things about football: 1) France will be going to South Africa; and 2) Thierry Henry's handball is what got them there.

This does not sit well with their Irish opponents, who have filed an official complaint with FIFA and are requesting a replay. The French FA has already rejected their appeal, so now it is up to FIFA to decide if a replay is warranted and/or possible. If Giovanni Trapattoni's opinion is taken as any indication, then the chances of FIFA reacting favorably to the Irish request are comparable to Nani's chances of being at Old Trafford beyond the end of the season in light of his recent criticism of SAF (a.k.a. slim to none).

As for the other issue (e.g. if Henry's reputation will suffer as a result of his handball), we'd like to think not. There are reports that some French are embarrassed about the means of their qualification, but was there any Argentinian blushing when one Diego Maradona fisted the ball into the net in the 1986 World Cup? Should the French go out and rub it in the faces of their Irish bretheren? Absolutely not. Should they cower in apology? No. Rather they should thank their lucky stars and remain humble. Refereeing mistakes happen, move on.

There is also a significant amount of criticism centered on the fact that Henry did not cop to the handball immediately and turn himself into the ref. That criticism makes as much sense as Sarah Palin's train of thought. Players are taught from a young age to play to the whistle. There was no whistle. Seriously, have you ever seen any player who was obviously off-sides or who blantantly committed a foul in the box before slotting home a winning goal stop, turn to the ref, and confess his sins so that his goal could be disallowed?? No. And you never will. Holding Henry to a standard that does not exist is absolutely ridiculous and reflects rage rather than reason.

Finally, this event should force FIFA to institute video replay, for if anyone is at fault here it is FIFA. Avoidable misfortunes like these should be avoided and will be if cameras are posted around the goal.