The Good, The Bad, and The Fugly: Premiere League Edition (9/27-9/28)

It lends an air of authority, if not success....

The Good: WTF Wigan won?? Yes, you read right, even Drogba's centennial strike couldn't save Chelsea's 100% record. The Blues certainly did not look like league leaders, and that, in large part, was due to the Latics outstanding display. Paul Scharner's finishing touch made sure of the Latics' first win against a top four side...ever...and it was a well deserved one at that. So Congrats!

Honorable mention to Fernando Torres: We may not like your frosted tips, but we can't hate on a superb showing against Hull and your ability to nearly single-handedly cover up the Reds' shoddy defense.

The Bad: Hapless Hull City - The above kudos to Torres is the yin to the yang of the hellish Hull experience at Anfield. Not even Phil Brown's spiffy headset could distract from the atrociousness of the scoreline.

(Dis) Honorable mention to Man Utd's Valencia: Seriously? How can you miss that ish? Seriously?

The Fugly: Pitiful Pompey - It's hard for us to find the words to adequately describe the hot tranny mess that is Portsmouth these days. Take the worst start in Premiere League history (after an unlucky loss versus Everton, they have racked up a grand total of zero points through seven rounds), then add to that significant financial uncertainties and front office rumblings, and you are left with a side that is still searching for its first points this season.

Update: Maradona meets reason?

In other news, pigs were spotted flying the friendly skies....

In a logical, if desparate, move ahead of the next round of World Cup qualifying, Maradona has dropped seven players (Gago, Zanetti, Datolo, Burdisso, Maxi Rodriguez, Lissandro Lopez, and Pablo Carrizo) from his squad, in addition to recalling Pablo Aimar.

In other notable news, our open letter to Diego obvi did the trick, as Gonzalo Higuain is set to lose his national team virginity against Peru on October 10th.

See, Diego, it wasn't that hard! We're sure giving up carbs at an Italian fat farm will be much more difficult. Good luck and God speed in that endeavor...

P [dot] S Manuel, if you're reading this, you too could reap the benefits of installing Higuain in your starting eleven. We won't even say we told you so, promise!

"If I only had a brain..."

A steely will resides behind these glasses.

Nigel Reo-Coker dealt an effective death kneel to his Aston Villa career after deciding to throw-down with Villan boss, the (apparently) deceptively meek Martin O'Neill.

Now, there have been a lot of rumors as to the brawlin' boys' motives, but here's how we like to think things played out: Nigel, not having scored a goal in a while, knocked one into the net, and, forgetting it was only a training sesh, tackled the nearest person to him in celebration, wrestling O'Neill down in celebration, just like he would on the pitch....if he actually scored goals there....

...or it could be Nigel's disappointment at being subbed at the weekend. But, really, is our scenario any less likely?

Update: No 'Dinho NOOOOOO!

Please do not let this be the last kit we see you in....red and black were never your colors.

Never have unsubstantiated Brazilian football rumours nearly brought us to tears (well, ok, not tears, but still made us pretty upset). We had such high hopes for you regaining your form far, far away from the old age home that is AC Milan, but word is that you are contemplating retirement, given how unlikely it is you will be a part of Dunga's 2010 squad and your general unhappiness at the San Siro (though you shoulder little blame on the latter count: Serie A manages to sap the joy from and stiffle the imagination of most attacking players).

But before we begin our journey through the 5 stages of grief, we have a simple plea for you 'Dinho....DON'T GIVE UP! The footballing world would surely be a sadder place without your buck-toothed grin in it (and we mean that in the most loving of ways...honest!), and, more than that, we're confident that you can regain your form of only a few years ago (that is, if playing actually were fun for you again). So, in our desparate bid to keep you playing professionally, we've taken it upon ourselves to complie a list of suggestions for possible your next move:

1. Tottenham - Why you ask? Really, why not? It's all in the management - look at the transformation Harry Redknapp has been able to affect with a squad that was in shambles mere months ago, after the disastrous reign of Juande Ramos. With you motivated once more and incorporated into Harry's structure, you'll surely provide Spurs with that extra irresistable bit of attacking class and tie it all together through the midfield. Plus, they already have a leader in Ledley King and won't need you to take on those responsibilities (because, if we're being honest, you've never really been suited to that role.)

2. Everton - Another solid option with a strong manager at the helm. Though David Moyes' boys have been struggling of late, they seem to have righted their ship over the weekend and could definitely use you in their bid to stay relevant in the race for the top four this season. Furthermore, the recent resurgence of Louis Saha should quell your fears about being discarded as used goods (should you put in a good faith effort), because, well, a club that stuck with Saha through all of his setbacks, would surely offer you a similar opportunity to regain your fitness.

3. Manchester City - City have shown interest in the past, but you can forgive us our skepticism as to Mark Hughes' ability to manage personalities. Still, it is a solid option: loads of money on hand and always looking for publicity.....

Onwards and upwards, we always say...in this case key word being onwards (but we're convinced, 'Dinho, that upwards will follow shortly thereafter...)

Future Phenom, Present Prodigy, Historic Hotshot: Panathinkos Edition

Work that ball...

Future Phenom: Sotiris Ninis

There's nothing like being hailed as Greece's "Great White Hope" and a PAO superstar at age 19. But, really, Ninis does have a considerable body of work from which to draw the hype. Since stepping onto the Superliga scene three years ago, at the tender age of 16 years and 309, he has built a solid reputation and fervent following. Furthermore, in so doing, became the second youngest footballer to play in Greece's top league. For comparison, consider what you were doing at 56 days short of your 17th birthday.

Tellingly, in his first call up to the senior national team (for their game against Cyprus in May 2008), Ninis scored the opening goal of the match, setting another record as he was the youngest ever scorer for Greece. While Ninis is not the most physically intimidating player, he has nonetheless found success with his impeccable ball control, his instinct for finding space and his pace. His play and promise may be reminiscent of a diminutive Argentine (hint: he is currently the best player in the world), but his ability to fully capitalize on that potential is TBD.

So what's next for one of UEFA's 2007 U-19 "Names to Note"? Past rumblings have claimed that he could land anywhere from AC Milan to Man Utd to Real Madrid (though, really, when's the last time they nurtured young talent?), but Wegner's purportedly keenest on making him a part of the young Gunners.


Present Prodigy: Sotirios Kyrgiakos

If for nothing else, Kyrgiakos gets a mention here because he is the first Greek player to sign for Liverpool. Additional stints at Rangers and Eintract Frankfurt make him one of the more successful Greek players outside of the Superliga, which is quite a feat considering the quality of the aforementioned league.

Furthermore, injuries to Agger and Skrtel and the general lack of Liverpool depth at the back will likely give him the opportunity to prove his worth on the grandest of stages; that of the EPL.

Historic Hot Shot: Mimis Domazos

No list of great PAO, actually make that no list of great Greek, players would be complete (or even credbile) without "The General." Domazos is held in such high esteem as a result of his uncanny ability to conceive of and execute effective plays with the ball at his feet. His dribbling prowess and competitive spirit consistently set him apart from all others, who try to claim the all-time Greek great title.

Domazos was a incomparable leader, captaining PAO for 15 years, and an indominable figure, towering over the Superliga competition for 21 years (a record for longest active player). At PAO, he won nine league championships, three Greek Cups, and compelled his side to the 1971 European Cup Final, making PAO the first (and only) Greek team to reach a European Cup Final.

The Good, The Bad, and The Fugly: Premiere League Edition (9/19-9/20)

He's a winner all right.

The Good: Magnificent Manchester Derby - There were a lot of candidates this week...Vermaelen's brace, Chelsea's dismantling of Tottenham and Liverpool's fight-back against West Ham (a close second, to be sure) but in terms of competitiveness and quality goals nothing could touch the brilliance of the Manchester Derby. It had all the elements the voice-over announcers use in describing those cliched footballing movies (Goal 2, anyone?), but without the corny music and the inevitably of a studio-directed ending. The (competitive) Manchester Derby is back, and we couldn't be happier!


The Bad: R.I.P. Blackburn - Having not heeded our warnings about the reputation of one Samuel Allardyce and his negative football, Rovers are now left to suffer at the hands of his inane tactics. Not only are they holding down the bottom of the table (with Pompey and Hull City), but they have earned their place with play that makes most football fans seek the nearest sharp object, with which they can gauge out their eyes. We offer Blackburn fans our sinceret condolences for this season and hope that they've begun their mental preparations for Championship football.


The Fugly: Woeful Wigan - Though it may be a little much with the alliteration, Wigan will certainly be hard pressed to find any redeeming qualities from their performance over the weekend. Vermaelen's double couldn't have encouraged them to go forward, but there is no excuse for their resignation to defensive play from the start. Seriously, we're beginning to think it takes special skill to be so dreadful.


Note to Wigan players: Recovering possession requires approaching the opponent who has the ball....sitting back on your haunches and hoping your mental telepathy will ensure the ball's return to you, sadly, does not work...

Future Phenom, Present Prodigy, Historic Hotshot: Girondins de Bordeaux

Yoann Gourcuff: Puttin' in work and counting his Bordeaux blessings

Future Phenom: Gabriel Obertan

Obertan rose to Bordeaux's attention while trianing at the famed Clairefontaine academy. After only a year on the reserves, Obertan was given a three year professional contract and handed his Ligue Un debut at the age of 17. Never really favored at Bordeaux, though, Obertan left for the greener pastures of the Northwest, moving to Man Utd this summer for an undisclosed fee.

Obertan's arrival was met with an injury set-back (a back problem he had apparently been playing with for the past year and a half!), and he is still undergoing treatment for the problem. His recent back troubles have not put United's boss off, however. Per Sir Alex, Obertan is "very quick, he can play both sides or through the middle and he brings a real versatility to us...we expect big things from him." Would this be like what your were thinking, Fergie?


Present Prodigy: Yoann Gourcuff

He's the reigning Ligue Un Player of the Year (it's got a nice ring to it, non?) and is already drawing comparisons to none other than Zizou by Zizou himself. Since returning to Girodins de Bordeaux from the crypt of AC Milan (where, as it has been previously noted, young talent goes to die [see Pato] and mature talent goes out to pasture [see Ronaldinho]), all Gourcuff has been able to manage is a famous double: the league title (ending Lyon's 7 year choke hold on the crown) and the French League Cup. You know, the usual.

Gourcuff's deftness with the ball and natural goal-scoring ability make him an invaluable part of the plans of both club and country. In regards to the latter, the embattled Raymond Domench hoping to utilize him in Zizou's former role, for which a suitable replacement has not been found (want evidence? see Les Bleus' offensive output during Euro 2008). Indeed, Gourcuff has the potential to be WC 2010's breakout star, while helping to restore France to its former footballing glory, just as he did with Bordeaux.

Historic Hotshot: Zinedine Zidane

Conceivably a case could be made for putting Eric Catona here, but we're going with Zizou because if our Present Prodigy selection is based on his qualifications as "Petit Zizou," then we obvi have to give (deserved) props to the original.

Just on accolades alone, Zizou's up there with the best of them. He lead Les Blues to the 1998 World Cup title (and the finals in 2006 with an altogether different, though no less memorable, ending), while also helping France win Euro 2000. As an original galactico, he won the 2002 Champions League with Real Madrid. Individually, he is a three-time FIFA World Player of the Year winner in 1998, 200, and 2003, making him one of only two players to be so honored (the other being fat Ronaldo...oh, how far they fall...). In 1998, he was also named European Footballer of the Year and Ballon d'Or winner. Perhaps, best of all, Zizou was included on Pele's list of all-time greats (really, who better than the best to tell you how good you actually are?).

Zizou will surely be best remembered for the exceptionally graceful play warranting those awards, rather than any UFC style on-the-pitch infamy. Zizou was the perfect combination of ballet-like on the ball skills with an aptitude for scoring goals. The beautiful game is rightly called such, when Zidane plays it.

OMFG! Zindane + NY Fashion Week = Femme Football Fantasy

Image via nymag.com

They always said Zizou might come out of retirement to play in the States....we just don't think this is what they had in mind.

Really, there is no better combination. Zizou was the toast of New York's Fashion Week after closing out the Y-3 show by taking penalty kicks with designer Yohji Yamamoto. We think Ms. Wintour may be reconsidering her sporting preference right about now....

Turning Tricks: "Oh, no he didn't!"

Don't let his intense glare fool you...he already knew that was going in.

Skill Spotlight: Leo Messi

In honor of this week's news that Barca are making one pint size Argentine their highest paid player, we are dedicating this weeks "Turning Tricks" to Lionel Messi. Undoubtedly deserving of the pay raise after leading the Blaugranes to a famous treble last season, Messi deserves special approbations for his stylish, yet effective play (take note Jose, Leonardo, et al.).

The Good, The Bad, and The Fugly: Champions League Edition (9/15-9/16)

You might as well stay on your knees and pray for the return of your first touch while you're at it.

Good: The surprisingly decent 1-1 Stuttgart v. Rangers tie: An entertaining battle of two halves. First there was Pavel Pogrebniak's powerful 18th minute strike to put the home team ahead, in a half in which Stuttgat dictated the pace of the game to Rangers. But after their half-time regrouping, Madjid Bougherra did the visitor's renewed efforts justice with a brilliant strike in the 77th to take a point from the tie.

We applaud the Ibrox's redoubled discipline and purpose. Instead of relinquishing initiative after a less than stellar first half, Rangers turned this game into a competitive match, deservedly drawing level, and, indeed, unlucky not to take all 3 points from their away foray, given Steven Davis' near miss at the death.



Bad: Kaka's first touch and Real Madrid's failure to seal the deal: Before you regail us with how Madrid won 5-2, after going up 3-0 by the end of the first half, just take a moment and explain how favorites to win the competition can allow their opponents to crawl back 2 goals in the space of 2 minutes and mount an unexpected, if unsuccessful, challenge for the points.

The Gallacticos have only been playing together for a few weeks now, but it definitely not a good omen when F.C. Zurich can make your 226 million pound transfers look like cheap Chinatown knock-offs of their former selves (save Cristiano). A game like this is generally not a good omen when you actually have legit competition in the group stage. More importantly, since when has Kaka's first touch been so freakin' awful? Is this what Italian football does to you? Eto'o beware!



Fugly: The disjointed Barca v. Inter Milan tie. Now we understand rain can wreak as much havoc on a footie match as on our perfectly coifed hair, but we expect better from the La Liga champs (if not Serie A's). In the words of Barca boss, Pep Guardiola,"It's always hard to play Italian teams, nor is it easy to create chances against them." We tend to agree, Pep, especially when your opposition is as cynical as Jose's Nerazurri.

Home Grown: Putting the Premiere League in a Big Hole?

Let's see 1 "home-grown" player at 2o some million pounds divided by a squad of 25...we were never that good at math - we'll have to wait and see if the City accounts prove any more adept.

So earlier this week Richard Scudamore announced that at the end of each transfer window each Prem clubs will be restricted to naming a squad of 25...and...wait for it...8 of those players must be "home-grown." Now, that doesn't mean that Rafa or Arsene will be denied their Continental contingents, because, importantly, a "home-grown" player is one that has been trained for a period of 3 years in the English or Welsh professional system(s), when he was between the ages of 16 - 21, not one who is an English or Welshman by birth.



Pretty smart, no? The FA can get around the EU ruling that make illegal FIFA's preferred quotas on foreign players, while still achieving a similar result (in theory, at least). We just wonder whether the FA is giving the clubs enough time to reorganize (the rules go into effect at the start of next season), while also requiring them to show that they are financially solvent (no debts to other clubs + no outstanding taxes + ability to make all payments through the season). A collective groan has just been heard around Eastlands - but, to be fair, some 27.5 mil of that was spent on Lescott, and at least he can help with the whole "home-grown" thing.



However admirable the FA's goal is, the urgency with which the new rules will be enacted is a little suspect. Could the FA's eagerness be attributable to its desire to please FIFA in advance of the latter's decision on the England's 2018 World Cup bid? I mean since the EU slapped down Blatter's "6+5" rule with the same kind of authority that President's Obama recently employed in his verbal takedown of Kanye West, maybe this is the FA's way of showing their allegiance to Blatter's principle, if not his preferred practice.

The Good, The Bad, and The Fugly: Premiere League Edition (9/12-9/13)

Ade, Ade, Ade-bay-orrrrr....uh-oh...

The Good: Quality Man Utd v. Tottenham - A high quality match all around, with a scoreline, 3-1 United, that belied how closely contested the game was, especially in the first half. Particularly impressive was Man Utd's ability to overcome Paul "I never met a tackle I didn't like" Scholes dismissal on two yellows and persevere in the face of a solid Tottenham side. Props to Rooney for a superb solo effort to cap off the win -Roo, we know that your particular brand of "bull in a china shop" play has been overshadowed in years past by CR7's dribbling pirouettes, but we do appreciate the efficiency and can't bring ourselves to hate on your shine....

The Bad: Blundering Burnley - Listen, in those heady days of August it's easy to get caught up, and we understand that after your wins against Man Utd and Tottenham, you were sticking out your chests a bit...Prem new boys showing "The Man" exactly what you were made of...but then came the set-back at Chelsea, and, then, well, the thrashing this past weekend with the Reds and one Yossi Benayoun running rampant all over your back line (so much for that international duty fatigue...) and now you've conceded seven in those last two defeats and have barely been competitive; well, at least it was good while it lasted....

The Fugly: We here at Femme Football understand that strikers are peculiar creatures often with, um, well stank attitudes (let's just call it what it is). Bitchfests are often induced when a pass is not played to feet or when a striker *God forbid* is actually asked to defend, but, even with this knowledge, we were still taken aback by Emmanuel Adebayor's overzealous celebration and stamping on Robin van Persie.

Ade reacted in both cases with all the grace and composure of a pre-teen boy, scorned by the popular girl at school. Yes, years later when he attends his reunion to find her a washed up former Miss Maine Pre-Teen Princess, he will want to rub it in her face, but he will refrain because he will have the wherewithal to understand that her demise is punishment enough - now if only Emmanuel could leave the mindspace of a pimply thirteen year old, he would realize that scoring on Arsenal was enough and everything beyond that was just cruel...

Teachable Moments: Conversation Points for Pub Encounters

Warning: When you see this man, negative tactics are likely to ensue.

Counter-Attacking Football

Overview: Goal of dispossessing the attacking team and transitioning quickly from defense to offense, often through long-balls

When to employ: If your team has some speed and is facing an opposition with a particularly potent offense or if your team has been given a snowball's chance in hell and needs to bulk up its defensive presence in the face of far superior talent

Example: See England circa 2006-2008 under both Sven and Stevie McClaren; see also any team managed by Sam Allardyce

Conclusion: Essentially, this is a cop-out way of playing (I mean, really, when should footballing success be commensurate with a team's ability to bypass their entire midfield?)

Turning Tricks: "Oh, no he didn't!"

Kaka's influence already seems to be rubbing off on him.

Skill Spotlight: Cristiano Ronaldo

Click above for a little video montage just in case you need to be reminded why you hated to love/loved to hate Ronnie. And, why Moneybags Madrid shelled out a world-record 80 million pounds (circa $135 mil) for him.

P.S. Did you fully appreciate the music? It is a most appropriate homage to C. Ron's (likely) musical preferences.

A Letter to Mr. Maradona

Referencing our earlier discussion of Maradona's managerial mishaps, we have decided to publish this open letter to him in hopes on behalf of all Albicelestes fans....

Dear Mr. Maradona, aka HRH Our Undisputed National Football Treasure:

Since we realize you might be familiar with the 12 step program and seeing that the national team is currently need of a similiar level of rehabilitation, we are presenting you with a list of suggestions (otherwise known as demands) to help our beloved Albicelestes qualify for South Africa. Wanna know the best part? Our rehab scheme has only one-third (that is less than half in case you didn't know) as many steps as the aforementioned program...so here it goes:

1. Swallow considerable pride (hey, we never said it would be painless...)
2. Call up Higuain already, and while your at it allow Milito to pry his rear end from the bench
3. More generally, abandon your mad plot to vindicate your vertically challenged brehtern (looking at you Tevez) and to validate your elderly squad selections (Veron? Heinze? Really Diego?)
4. We know it's a sensitive topic, but did we mention the height thing?

XOXO,

Your Adoring, Worshipful Public

“If I only had a brain…”: Examples of why football would benefit from more women's input

Currently wishing he could return to his playing days.

So the unmitigated disaster that has been Maradona, National Team manager edition, is hard for all to comprehend...except, of course, for all of those who (rationally) somehow foresaw the likelihood of failure...having lost four out of their last five, including a 3-1 home defeat to Brazil, Argentina, under Maradona's tutelage, has now relinquished its automatic qualification spot for next year's World Cup in South Africa.

Based on these managerial results, Argentines now seem to be reassessing their beliefs concerning their national football deity, in a way all the cocaine and the disqualification from WC 1994 for doping never could

To be fair, the god-like status and popular pull of he who scored via "the Hand of God" would be hard for any national federation to resist, but that does not obviate the fact that Maradona was grossly under-qualified as a coach having managed previously only with short (unsuccessful) stints at Manadiyu and Racing Club. Perhaps, instead of just taking lessons from Brazil on the pitch, the federation should've followed their off it as well. What does that mean? Well, Dunga was not the most popular manager, but his side has already qualified for South Africa with time to spare



Maradona, THE PLAYER, has rightfully reached a certain level of mythic proportion, given his service to both country and in raising the overall level of play, but this coaching stint is a losing proposition in the Michael Jordan/Washington Wizards kind of way, aka even worse than say the Michael Jordan/Professional Baseball Blip way (because, at that point, MJ still could come back, play, and win, thereby erasing all memory of previous sport-switching insanity)

So, if Argentina fails *shudder* to qualify for South Africa 2010, it is hard to see how Mr. Maradona's personal popularity wouldn't suffer, for absent lacing up his cleats again and putting the team on his back, he will have failed his country in the most glaring of ways

Player Encyclopedia: Future Phenom, Present Prodigy, Historic Hotshot

Image via National Geographic

Look at that concentration.

Future Phenom: We knew it from the moment we laid my bleary eyes on you -- bleary, because of the 2 am wake-up we endured to watch the proceedings of Japan/Korea 2002 live -- but oh how you made it worth it...those free kicks (you remember, the one against England?)...that goofy smile...you made it all look so easy...sure the people at PSG warned us about your late nights, but you had such joy and innocence that we were wont to believe it...and plus everything started out so well at Barca.

Present Prodigy: Some people may question your listing here, especially in this "what have you done for me lately industy," but you were FIFA World Player of the Year...twice (in 2004 and 2005)...and even when all of those dumb commentators were talking up ol' golden balls and his free kicks (seriously, the man's pretty, but he ain't got skillz like you), you were leading Brazil to their second Confederations Cup title in 2005, while helping Barca to back-to-back La Liga titles and the Champions League crown in 2006...but then you got lazy, unmotivated and, well, a bit more than pleasantly plump (granted not to the "fat f%$!" level of Ronaldo, but still)...and they turned on you at the Nou Camp and you became a shadow of your old self with a reputation tanking faster than Emmanuel Ungaro's since they've signed Lindsay Lohan as an "Artistic Advisor."

Historic Hotshot (?): TBD - New chapter, new place? Here's hoping to another club giving you another chance because things aren't working so well at Milan. Let's be honest you could do with another "new lease on life"; you've never linked up well with Pato and Leonardo isn't exactly you're biggest fan. I'm gonna take a wait and see approach with you, and pray that you don't waste your talents like some other wayward compatriots (Corinthians *cough* Ronaldo *cough*)...I mean it would only really take you actually showing up (physically and mentally, that is) to redeem yourself, but that's all part of your master plan, right? Because you obvi learned, when you went all Hollywood, that everybody loves a good comeback.